What to Do When You're Losing it with Your Kids with AT Teacher, Morgan Rysdon
We love our kids - but wow, they can press our buttons. How do you keep your cool with your children when dealing with daily frustrations and stresses? I posed this question to Morgan Rysdon, AT teacher and parent. We talk about mindful skills that can help you - but also, you don’t have to be a perfectly calm parent all the time. This week, episode 33 of Poised & Powerful Podcast is sharing what to do when we are losing it with our kids!
Do you find yourself needing extra time to recover from your weekend or time to prepare your mind and body for the week ahead? Join me for a restorative practice where we’ll release tension in our necks, backs, and shoulders. Clear your mind so you’ll feel reset and re-energized for yourself and your family. Drop into the online Sunday Scaries Support group class: https://poisedpowerfulparenthood.com/take-a-break
Morgan Rysdon is a nationally certified Alexander Technique teacher and founder of Center Studio. She has a private practice in Atlanta, NYC and online where she helps individuals elevate their performances on stage, at work, and in life. Her teaching is focused on improving the overall function of an individuals mind, body, breath, and voice—as well as helping those struggling with chronic pain, injury, stress, and/or anxiety. Morgan has a BA in Acting and, in 2011, she gained her teaching certification from The American Center for the Alexander Technique in NYC. Since then, she’s gone on to teach her work both nationally and internationally—teaching private lessons and group classes that improve others self-awareness, self-confidence, and poise.
In this episode of Poised & Powerful Podcast, Morgan and I discuss the following:
What you can learn by allowing yourself to slow down and enjoy those moments when you have to adjust to your kid’s speed.
Why yelling at your kids creates resistance and what it truly teaches them - or doesn’t.
Providing choices can give your child autonomy and decision-making skills they will carry with them as they grow.
The importance of educating your children through honest conversations, and how it enables kids to become helpers and collaborators in the home and beyond.
Why it’s important to model taking care of yourself as a mom, and where we can cut ourselves some slack.
We are human, so we all get frustrated and upset. However, it’s how we act after making a mistake or blowing up at our kids that matters the most. Morgan illustrates a unique, honest, and open relationship with her kids that you’ll love to learn about.
Thank you for listening! If you enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot of the episode to post in your stories and tag me! And don’t forget to follow, rate and review the podcast and tell me your key takeaways!
Learn more about Poised & Powerful and Sarah at https://poisedpowerfulparenthood.com/interviews
CONNECT WITH MORGAN RYSDON:
CONNECT WITH SARAH MAYHAN:
Mentioned:
Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman (affiliate link)
We both recommend taking some time for constructive rest when you’re losing it!
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SPEAKERS
Sarah Mayhan, Morgan Rysdon
Morgan Rysdon 00:00
I do as a parent try to consciously make choices thinking about: what can I do to set my kid up for success, and to hopefully encourage them to intrinsically want to get rest, want to get out the door on time. So my thing that I tell my children a lot is: I have no control over time. So that being said, I let them know the consequences, you can go ahead and take a long time to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. But then if you don't get to school on time, you're not gonna be able to go to the library before class. So I try to tell them about the consequences so that hopefully it's not me making or pushing my kids to do something, but that they get to have choices.
Sarah Mayhan 00:35
Welcome to another episode of the Poised Powerful Parenting podcast. I'm your host, Sarah Mayhan. I coach movement, alignment, and the empowerment that comes from understanding how your body works. This podcast is all about helping regular people adapt to the physical and emotional challenges of new parenthood, and hearing some good stories from people getting the crash course.
Well, I am here today with Morgan Rysdon. She is a nationally certified Alexander Technique teacher and founder of Center Studio. She has a private practice in Atlanta, New York City and online, where she helps individuals elevate their performances on stage at work and in life. Her teaching is focused on improving the overall function of an individual's mind, body, breath and voice, as well as helping those struggling with chronic pain, injury, stress and or anxiety. Morgan has a BA in acting, and in 2011, she gained her teaching certification from the American Center for the Alexander Technique in New York City. Since then, she has gone on to teach her work both nationally and internationally, teaching private lessons and group classes that improve others' self awareness, self confidence, and poise. You can also find her, I'll add, on YouTube, which is where I became familiar with a lot of Morgan's work. And she has some very helpful videos. Welcome, Morgan.
Morgan Rysdon 02:16
Oh, thank you, I'm glad to be here.
Sarah Mayhan 02:18
Such an interesting idea of feeling poised and self-confident. I think it's interesting that we both come from performance backgrounds. But I feel like I stored up some of these skills and tools of, like, performance under pressure. Now I'm like, oh, getting on stage is nothing. But I think parents really need these skills. Performance under pressure.
Morgan Rysdon 02:46
Yeah, right being a parent is - you're always on, there's no breaks or rehearsals, and usually you have to improvise and think on your feet. And then as one one parent told me once, he said, “Just when you think you've figured out the nighttime routine, or what's happening with your kid, that it changes.” As soon as you've been like, “Okay, we've got something that's working!” kids have a growth spurt or something changes or the needs of your children change, and you have to be able to adapt, right.
Sarah Mayhan 03:18
And, you know, that's sort of the other side of the coin, of like, oh, it's all a phase, you know, which is not very comforting when you're in it. Although it is comforting, I think in parenthood sometimes to know that, like, this is a temporary state.
Morgan Rysdon 03:34
Yeah, but when you're you know, I always think back to when I was breastfeeding throughout the night, those days are so long and you feel so tired or when your children are teething, or, you know, having a growth spurt, like some of those periods of your children's lives just feel so slow, because every night you're dreading bedtime, you're like, “I know that they're going to be up three times it's not going to be very restful for me.” And I think that's always tricky is realizing that it is actually a short period of time when you look at it, but when you're in the thick of it, it can seem like ages.
Sarah Mayhan 04:09
Oh my gosh, this guy, Oliver Burkemann, he wrote this book and he talks about: we have sort of a productivity-oriented time that we emphasize in our society, which is. sort of, like, you know, clock time, calendar time, get-it-done-by-a-certain time. And children do not go by those times. People talk about, like, rhythmic time, seasonal time, cyclical time, but they're gonna take however long to put on their shoes, is what I'm saying.
Morgan Rysdon 04:42
I like love, though. I think that's where as adults, we can really learn from our children. I envy that and I think a lot of people could benefit from this sort of space. Maybe not our entire day is built like that, but space where, throughout our day, we have time to enjoy the, walk have time to enjoy the meal, we eat when we want to, you know, and I see that with my children, my two daughters are a little older, my oldest is now going to be in third grade. So, and this sort of everybody eats at a certain time goes to the bathroom at a certain time, you know, that's - but are we always hungry at the same time? Not really. And I think that this sort of routine or productivity or calendar that we ended up sort of all eventually on, is not always conducive for making sure that people are feeling comfortable or feeling good about themselves or their body, you definitely meet people who say, “Oh, my, you know, my sugar levels low I need to have something.” So you know, if we all were paying attention to ourselves more regularly like that, we might feel like we're in a better mood, we are able, you know, if you could nap whenever you wanted to nap, would you not feel happier?
Sarah Mayhan 05:51
I just - I love napping so much.
Morgan Rysdon 05:54
Yeah. And children do that. Right? They could be in the middle of a busy restaurant, and they'll fall asleep. And all of a sudden, you know, never when you want them to always when it's like you've been in the car ride for you know, three hours, and 10 minutes to your destination, your kid finally falls asleep. And you're like, “really? really?”
Sarah Mayhan 06:12
And you're here in Atlanta. So I know you probably have spent a lot of time on the road.
Morgan Rysdon 06:18
Unfortunately, yes.
Sarah Mayhan 06:21
Yeah. And I have had sort of reverse trajectories in terms of - I grew up in the South and moved out. And you grew up. Chicago, you grew up in Chicago, where I am, and moved south.
Morgan Rysdon 06:34
Yeah. And there is a lot of driving, I like to stay sort of in a five mile radius. And I like to not have to go too much further, which is not always possible, but I do my best to try.
Sarah Mayhan 06:46
Yeah, if you like your neighborhood, I feel like you've really lucked out. But I think this is a really good transition to I had you come on today as you’re - you have perspective as the mother of slightly older children, I think five and seven, so you're a seasoned mom. So when we need help, you need to ask a more seasoned mom - and ask one that looks kind of relaxed, like Morgan does.
Morgan Rysdon 07:17
The Alexander Technique training definitely has helped.
Sarah Mayhan 07:21
So we were going to talk today about what to do when you're losing it with your kids. And I know that's something people even feel like, a little bit guilty about. I know the first time I really felt that stress and pressure was anytime I had to pack my little boy in his car seat as a little baby, and just, he was the kind of baby that would just shriek the entire way there. I'm just like trying to drive and, like, plug him with a pacifier with, like, one arm and like, jiggle him and do the like, “shhhhhh!!!!” While cursing at the driver in front of me…
Morgan Rysdon 08:05
Yeah, the sleep deprivation, especially when they're younger, is not helpful or conducive, for remaining very calm and easy. Let's also not forget, you know, we're not necessarily set up for success unless you live in maybe a European country where they give you tons of time off and send you supplies in the mail, you know: here, for your baby you just welcomed into the world.
Sarah Mayhan 08:28
Oh, and also people come to your home and check your baby's health and even your health.
Morgan Rysdon 08:36
Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty.. it's pretty incredible when you think about the differences. And so, you know, for most of us, we're just - everyone's doing the best that they can with the resources they have. Some people read books ahead of time. I know I didn't read any books. And honestly, when I think about it, how do you know which books you're going to need to read until you're in the thick of it? And then it's, you know, yet parenting is not, it's not for everybody. It takes a strong individual to be able to, yeah, to handle all these little people.
Sarah Mayhan 09:14
You're selling it hard. It's interesting, because you talked about like, oh, you know, we're often you know, usually our, the rest of our lives has been based on training ourselves to ignore signals, you know, and go by our responsibilities, clock time, sit in the seat, get this done at a certain time, stay up late to study, you know, put off, going to lunch, having to pee, all of these things. Especially, especially, when we're just hitting parenthood in the thick of it. Like, yeah, we're like hungry and tired and all of our own needs; at the same time as we're trying to meet somebody else's very immediate needs. Yeah.
Morgan Rysdon 10:00
I think it's - I mean, and I think the thing is, is that when you're in the role of the parent, you're the one who's essentially in control, and yet you feel so out of control. You know, you're supposed to be providing for these little human beings. And yet, sometimes you don't feel like you have all the resources, all of the bandwidth, all of the energy to meet them. That's the thing that's for me has been most helpful is recognizing: when do I need to ask for help? Where Where can I remove some of the burden and take some of the pressure off of myself? And that's been really helpful for me as far as and then I see also the potential to teach my children that, you know, now they're a little bit older, they're five and seven, so pre-K, and then the other one’s in second grade, still. And they're at that age where I've started to change the dialogue from things like “go to sleep!” to, “I need your help. You know, right now, I need your help going to sleep tomorrow, we have a big day, this is what's ahead of us.” And then explaining sleep to my children. You know, sleep is good for you and good for me. It's when we download all the information that we got from the day and we prepare for the next day. That's when you grow and you processing, you know, and that takes a little bit longer than just: “go to sleep!”
Sarah Mayhan 11:19
Easy. Yeah. That's collaborative problem solving, which some books talk about, although you told me so this is like my point of fascination is like you told me you don't read parenting books?
Morgan Rysdon 11:31
Yes, that's correct. Just I don't know if that's something I should be proud of, or ashamed of.
Sarah Mayhan 11:37
Well, here's the thing. I can channel my anxiety through research. Like that's how - like, it's a coping mechanism. That's not everybody's coping mechanism. I'm an Enneagram Six, just in case anybody's, like, doing it that way. So it's like, I've got to prepare for every worst case scenario. And I feel like that control, that knowledge will save me. No, it does not always. I mean, sometimes, yeah, it's nice to know resources. I think it's good to know, like, where to ask for that help. Yeah, like, if you're going to research something when you're pregnant, I always say like, “hey, like, write down a lactation consultant, write down the name of a therapist, like, write down like those, so you don't have to go scrambling looking for them.” But like, for example, I got really stressed before I had my kid about low supply, because I'd heard so many women talk about how they have low supply and it was just horribly difficult and traumatizing. And that didn't happen to me. But my son did have tongue and lip ties, which I knew nothing about.
Morgan Rysdon 12:48
Yeah, right.
Sarah Mayhan 12:51
And so then I had to go, go manage that.
Morgan Rysdon 12:55
Yeah, it's funny because my daughter had the same thing. She had to get the little clip of her tongue. And, and I did not worry about breastfeeding or any I mean, I just knew in my head, I was going to breastfeed, I just - the idea of having to wash multiple bottles when I could just whip out a breast felt much easier. Like that's a no brainer to me, I would want to breastfeed. However, when my lactation consultant came, I was concerned because my firstborn, Nyah, she would breastfeed for like two hours and when you're supposed to feed them every three hours, you know, that only left me one hour to shower, nap, eat, go to the bathroom. you know, I was like, “And now I have to start all over again!” So the lactation consultant came and she said, “Oh, no, she gets all her her milk. She just eats very, very slowly. Like she's just a really like, so she's like a European, like she -
Sarah Mayhan 13:49
Does she do this today, is she the kid last at dinner table?
Morgan Rysdon 13:54
Her teacher, her teacher at school, he had a meeting with us and he said, “there's two things I'd like her to work on and one is learning to write her full hyphenated last name” (which is ridiculously long.) So we said, “yes, we agree that's probably a good idea.” And then the second one was, you know, her pace and I said “literally since the day she was born, like this is her nature is to go very slow” and my husband says that she's like the Greenland shark. You know, that shark that lives in the deepest depths of the ocean and it lives so long for like three or 400 years because it moves so slowly. So we're like “Nyah, I mean, she's not even a sloth! She's like the Greenland shark who lives 400 years!” But she's present, she's really - I mean, you know, she'll find a snail in the middle of the most urban concrete area in any city. “Look, Mom! Look what I found!” Shehe notices things that I think other people don't notice because she's taking her time. Which is also pretty cool. That situation, specifically, Sarah, I think where one can lose their their lid, because again, the world ballet starts at what time ballet starts. Right, Girl Scouts starts when Girl Scouts starts, school starts when schools starts. So if you're going at your own pace, it's easy for as a parent to blow up and lose your cool because now you're pushing everybody back. You're holding us up as a family. And those are the moments that I have to pause and think to myself, Okay, well, how can I set her up for success? Right? How can I set myself up for success, whether that's telling her what's going to happen? Being prepared, knowing what helps her be able to get her tests done quicker, being able to stay calm in the midst of her inevitably going super slow?
Sarah Mayhan 15:36
Well, yeah, cuz kids, kids are gonna bring their own nature to the mix. We talk about this a lot like you before you have a baby. Imagine the baby, you have this imaginary baby. And then you get the real one. And you're just like, “I could not have imagined this person and all their complexity, quirks and preferences.” And they come out with their own preferences. And my mantra just at present - so I have a four year old. He's like, I guess you'd say, preschooler, we've kind of emerged from toddlerhood and just like the pure id stage of life. Just like, pure dinosaur. I keep having to tell myself: these are the things everybody thinks are hard. Right? It's like mealtimes, bedtimes, getting the kid to go potty when they should go potty, because we're going somewhere. And what are all these things? These are things that he has control over and involve his own body, too. So I cannot actually make him eat something. I can't make him fall asleep. So that's sometimes where I have to just gently pause myself. Even just say like, “okay, yeah, this is hard. Like, this is not like a lack of preparation. This is - this is inherently hard. Yeah. And we have to work together on this, I can't push and make it happen.”
Morgan Rysdon 17:09
That's very Alexander Technique. We have to allow, give permission. Right? You know, we can push and pull. But what that gets us is usually resistance. You know, when we talk about it in muscles, it's tension strain. But with children, when you're talking about raising human beings, they want autonomy, they want independence. And when we start to make them do something, even like yelling, let's take yelling at your kids. “I want you to go pick up your toys!” I mean, what is that teaching our kid to yell? And I don't know, I just question it. Now, that being said, I do yell at my children, don't think I don't.
But I question what I'm teaching my children when I revert back to habits that I don't think are that helpful, by just telling them “go clean up your stuff!” So I do as a parent, try to consciously make choices, thinking about what can I do to set my kid up for success, and to hopefully encourage them to intrinsically want to get rest, want to get out the door on time, want to, you know, so my thing that I tell my children a lot is: “I have no control over time, I don't get to control time, unfortunately.” So that being said, I let them know the consequences. “You can go ahead and take a long time to go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. But then if you don't get to school on time, you're not gonna be able to go to the library before class. And then if you're not on time here, you'll have less time at the park with your friends, because we'll have to come home for dinner.” So I tried to tell them about the consequences so that hopefully it's not me making or pushing my kids to do something, but that they get to have choices.
And that they see that their choices have had an effect on the outcome, which in most cases is not to their best interest, right? If they're taking a long time to clear their plays, push in their stool, etc., do the routine. You know, you can lollygag, as I often tell them, but you know, it's at your expense. For me, I see sometimes, especially and - I don't know if you're at that stage yet where you have different friends in motherhood, that share stories about their adolescent children, their teenage children. But when I observed, you know, at the airport the other day, I was coming back from teaching in New York and I saw this woman, we were in the waiting area and she was dictating the email that her - I'm assuming - college-aged son had to send to his professor. And that caused me a moment of pause. I thought, “I don't want to be responsible for helping my children craft an email explaining why I'm late another day because of travel something.” You know, she'd literally dictate this, this stranger dictated, something for her kid to write and I thought, “I don't want to have to be responsible for all that, I don't mind being responsible for getting groceries right now, or getting you clothes. But the older you get the more responsibility and privileges you, I hope, have so that you're a contributing member of this family.”
And so for me, I think that can start young, those kinds of letting children know: “you have a role to play. You have choices and decisions to make, I also have some to make, I'm not perfect, I make mistakes. Help me when I make mistakes.” And my kids do, they call me out when you know, “hey, Mom, I don't - you're yelling at me right now. And it's not helping.” But my kids will let me know if there's a problem. And they see that there's room for them to express something that they think will help me in a situation. And that's been really helpful. I can rely on them even at five and seven. I don't think we give children credit enough for that, to be honest, children are very creative, and very helpful and playful and lovable. You know, they're innocent, there's still that innocence period when they're younger like that.
Sarah Mayhan 21:04
It's interesting, because like, it's sort of, okay, yes, we're responding to this child’s individual rhythms, but like, our job as parents, right, is to like, teach them to join society. If you just think of your little dinosaur toddler, like this is not a civilized human, if they see something they want, they're gonna grab it. If they don't like someone, they're gonna yell “no!” and run the other way. If only we could do that.
Morgan Rysdon 21:32
Wll, I think to that point, it's easier as a parent, when you're in the grocery store, and your kid grabs something and takes it for you to grab it out of their hand and put it back. But have I really taught them what's happening in that situation? And why don't we do that? Have I taken that moment to educate them and say the reason that, you know, and instead of grabbing it, saying, “hey, can you give me that? We're going to put that back, we're not going to buy that today. Why? Because that's not on the grocery list, or because this is not ours. We don't take this from somebody's home.” And those sorts of things.
I think, again, it's sometimes easier for the parent just to quickly do something. But if we explain, you know, the minute I explained to my children, for example, about clearing their place, I feel like they understood: “Oh, it helps Mom clean up the kitchen faster.” And then she has more time to play with us later. As opposed to like, “if you leave your stuff, that's fine, but it's more work for me.” And when we're in a family, if you just take your plate and just put it next to the kitchen sink, you don't have yo - you're not tall enough, I get it, you can't put it in the sink. But next to the sink helps me is your mom. And what I noticed, especially with my older daughter, she'll clear the whole table. I mean, she'll, you know, she's very motivated, like, “oh, we can play games, then we can do a puzzle together.” So she's more - she takes more, I think, proactive steps to help out without me having to ask her and that feels like a huge win from parenthood. When you see the fruits of your labor paying off. And you're like, “oh my gosh, they're helping me and they're not just draining me of every single piece of energy. It's not just take take take, you know.”
Sarah Mayhan 23:08
Oh, yeah, now I'm thinking of, you know, my son, he, I mean, they start at a very young age, like wanting to participate, like we do a lot. You know, we - in the kitchen, we cook together. And he also has his own little apron, and he has his own drawer that he can get his own dishes. And he started to like, get his own snacks and staff. They want to participate. But then there's some things like Okay, so this is, this is my problem. I'll give you my problem at the moment, which is getting my kid to daycare on time. Because sometimes I want him to do things that are more convenient for me than they are desirable for him. You know, I try and I try different things. It's like, oh, you know, we get ready. We have time for a puzzle. Sometimes we have a treat in the car. We play favorite music in the car. But like there are some days where he just wakes up. He's a Grumpy Pants. And he says, “I don't want it to be a school day. Today isn't a home day.” I have to shepherd him through every moment. We're still going to school, but it is every single moment, we're: we don't want to put on socks. We don't want to walk toward the door. Boneless. I can't stand up.
Morgan Rysdon 24:34
Yeah, my oldest daughter's like that. She's much more, you know, grumpy in the morning compared to my younger daughter who she's dressed. She even does her own hair. You know, again, she's five she's been getting dressed on her own since she was probably two she's very Miss Independent. She doesn't want help with anything. And my older daughter would love to just stay in bed. Which, ironically - then it's a Saturday and Sunday and they're always up before what they would have been up for school - right? Like school days, it's hard to get them up by 6:45. And on Saturday, Sunday at 6:30 They're both in my bedroom. I'm like, “Get to bed like, it's the weekend.”
Sarah Mayhan 25:09
Yep. So this kid is very fast. In other circumstances, I'm yelling, “Wait for mommy, wait for Mommy! Stop at the corner!” And then suddenly, we have to leave and just: slowness. And I'm just like, “how? how?” It drives me nuts, both ends of those. You know, I can look at routine. I can try to tweak that, perfect that, but I don't know, maybe that isn't the answer. Maybe there isn't an answer. But I guess because I'm an Alexander Technique teacher. My question is this like, “Okay, well, how do I go back and like, work on myself?So I don't start my work day, like, you know, already tired and freaked out. Because I cannot spend all my energy.”
Morgan Rysdon 25:51
Well, inhibition, right? Inhibition inhibition, it's always taking time to pause long enough. You know, when sometimes for for my daughter, for example, what I recognized with her is even - I started setting my alarm five minutes earlier, and I snuggle with her right before she gets up by the bed, just taking time to slowly wake her up versus the “Hey, get up!” which works for my younger daughter, Illya. She's fine with that. But for my older daughter, she needs more time to come out of her sleep. And I found doing something as easy as that, which, you know, five minutes in the morning time is actually very precious. But I crawl into bed with her, snuggle her a little bit. And then I'm like, “okay, bug, you think we can get this going?” Yes. And then we just do do things a little slower, though I try not - the more I rush, I feel like the slower she goes. And that might just be a perception. But I think when I start to slow down, she kind of meets me in the middle a little bit.
But that one's a hard one. And I feel like as a more seasoned parent, I guess I guess my point is I have I have nothing for you. In that regard, you'll just get, you'll just come to accept what you cannot change. And recognize that you're getting more upset or more angry about it or frustrated, doesn't help. And it just affects our day, right? Because then our kids go to school. And you know, the minute they get into school, they're like, “Oh, my friend!” Forget all of the stuff before, they're happy to be there, and then they're playing. But for us, then maybe we're still coming down from that frustration of feeling like it takes so much energy just to have them finished putting on their shoes. Or in our case, we've literally gotten to school just to turn around and be like, “Where are your shoes?” Oh, we’ve had that happen. Yeah, no, we've had that a couple of times, that might be in your future to be prepared. Have an extra pair of shoes in your car.
Sarah Mayhan 27:45
Oh, I heard a parent talking about like, “somehow my son got in the car with one shoe.” And this is a child who was like 13. So it's not a two year old. And it's like they got to school. “Good luck!” There is that piece of like inhibition, which is like an AT word. But it's sort of like that pausing. That like taking a beat, taking a breath, or taking an exhale as we might say, finding your ground, grounding yourself in that present moment. What that present moment is, is not what you want it to be. You know, like my mantra and other my mantra is like, “okay, I can be late or I can be late and bad about it. Those are my two choices.”
Morgan Rysdon 28:28
Yeah, yeah, I think inhibition. And for me, it's that idea of stopping, you know, because oftentimes, when I'm on autopilot, especially as a parent, when you're running around, everything's so fast paced. But if I can pause long enough, I usually come up with other options, other choices, other ways to react in a certain situation. So it feels more like a response versus an automatic reaction. I get to choose how I'm going to - what I'm going to say or how I'm going to deliver it. And for me, that's been really helpful. Knowing that I also can take care of myself, as much as I'm taking care of my children. Yeah, so giving myself some grace there.
Sarah Mayhan 29:11
I think that helps. I know, also, like, you were very open and acknowledging that like, look, we're not perfect, and like sometimes we are gonna lose it. And I think especially as my son is heading toward, you know, more of an age of, we'll say, closer to an age of reason. You know, like sometimes he says, “Mommy, I don't like those words you're saying” and it's a reminder to me of like, oh, you know, I can pause I can like, stop freaking out a bit. But sometimes, maybe he's hurting my feelings. Maybe you know, he needs to know that if he treats somebody disrespectfully, especially as a young man, people are not gonna like that, I don't have to like that.
Morgan Rysdon 29:49
Yes, no, I think that's an important lesson and I think maybe I shared it with you about when I was in the car with my children. My older daughter had a watch that she had needed to have. And she'd lost it twice. And now she'd lost a third time and we're headed to the pool. And I remember I was yelling at my daughter and I, you know, “You got to be more responsible! Every time you lose the watch - that's $25, lost three times.” Now that's - I'm really trying to put it in perspective. And I'm going on probably longer than I needed to. And my younger daughter said, “Mama!” I was like, I was like, “what, what?” And she was like, “I think that you're making, you know, Nyah upset.” She was crying. I was driving. Yeah, I was driving. And my younger daughter at the time was four, I think Nyah had just turned seven. And I said, “Thank you, Ilya, for telling me that, I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you. And I feel like this. I'm feeling frustrated. And I apologize.” I immediately took the help that my daughter had offered to me to recognize that I was making a big mistake.
And my oldest daughter, this is the best part. My oldest daughter immediately said to me, she goes, “That's okay, that's okay. We all make mistakes.” And she's, you know, she's cleaning up her tears. And she's forgiving me instantaneously. And I said, “I'm really, really sorry, I don't mean to make you upset about this. I'm just feeling frustrated, because I want you to be responsible for things. But there's probably a different way I can have this conversation with you. And this wasn't the right way.” And she immediately forgave me.
And I think - and later on, I also went out of my way, I think, that night at dinner, to reiterate the points that I had made earlier, like “Ilya, thank you for calling me out in the moment. And then Nyah, thank you for forgiving me.” And I think that shows my children, at least, I hope that I am human too and I will make mistakes. But I'm not above help. Constructive help. So you don't have to yell at me to get a point across so that I listened to you. And I've told my daughters, “Anytime you ask me for help when I'm yelling, if I'm yelling, and you don't like it, you can ask me to stop. And I will always stop. That's an ongoing rule around here is that if you are calm enough in the situation, to remember to ask me to also start to calm down, I promise to respect that and to do that.” There's no reason - if my kids can be calm, I should be able to meet them. I guess there's always exceptions, probably. If you're running into the street or something, you know, there's probably exceptions. But I think for the purpose of my children learning, they get it.
Sarah Mayhan 32:20
Yeah, I mean that - that in psychology, that process you outlined is called a “rupture and repair of a relationship.” So it's not that we never like, lose connection or do the wrong thing. But the important thing is that repair step, is that coming back together. And you could see how our repair could knit you even closer together.
Morgan Rysdon 32:41
I do think that actually I feel like teaching my children how to be in relationships, and to be open to feedback and that people, and I've told my daughters, “If I hurt you or upset you, it doesn't mean I don't love you and don't care about you. But as human beings, we do make mistakes. But what do we do about that? Do we try to learn from them? Do we try to do better?” And hopefully it's working, even though I don't read any parenting books?
Sarah Mayhan 33:06
I don't know. I know, I read books always looking for like, the solution. But then there's also that side of like, knowing your child. And the more you're with them, the more you get to know them. I think the more they can surprise you, too, and not go by with the book says. Yeah.
Morgan Rysdon 33:23
Yeah, and I think, ultimately, like they want to feel close to us. They want to feel like they're making the right decision. You know, they get excited by things. And it's easy for us to be like, “No, don't play with that big box of sparkles that somebody left out!” you know, in the middle of a store or something it's like, and all of a sudden, there's a big explosion or something. And we're like trying to - but kids are curious, if you've ever seen a kid at a really fun birthday party, they'll stick their hands in stuff. And then things are all over. But you know, it's like, they don't always know, they don't always know how to respond in certain situations. And it's up to us: how are we going to react in those situations? We're teaching them what to do.
Sarah Mayhan 34:00
Yeah, there's a lot of like, my son, I'm always like, “Don't do that! You’ll break it! Or I mean, I'm trying to not do that. But it's like, it's like two things. Like if they're doing something annoying or pounding on a thing or jumping on a thing. Why are they doing it? It's fun. We've trained ourselves to not do things that are fun. But like, you know, he's still learning that like cause and effect. I know, like, if you keep doing that, it's going to break. So there's that tension of like, I don't want him to break my things, but maybe he'll break his balloon, and he's gonna have to learn from that. And it's his balloon.
Morgan Rysdon 34:39
Yeah, you don't want to be paying for something at a really expensive store. For him to learn that glass is breakable.
Sarah Mayhan 34:44
Oh, this is a child of COVID. He just went to a toy store like last month for the first time. “Oh my gosh. Oh, I didn't know we had a toy store in our city!”
Morgan Rysdon 34:56
Oh, that's so funny. Even my children - we were going out after the ballet recital out, for dinner like this little safe outdoor space, right? And the kids had trouble sitting down. We eat dinner together every single night. But we don't eat at restaurants as much. And there's more to look at more to see more to - you know, but they have to learn. So what do we do? Do we keep them inside? And not let them do that? Or do we try our best to remain calm and set them up for success?
Sarah Mayhan 35:24
We could talk about this all day.
Morgan Rysdon 35:26
I think parenting is an evolution. That's something I would say. I'd say that we don't all have to be like, amazing. I think it's hard when you look at Instagram or social media that feels like you are not living up to the standard of some imaginary something, you know. And I think keeping things real for yourself, what works for you, and knowing that what works for your bestie over in some other timezone or some other country or whatever, like, maybe it works for them, but it doesn't work for you. And being okay with that. And trusting your intuition. And your gut, I think is really helpful.
I mean, I have a YouTube channel, that's my resource. I have a YouTube channel. If people are interested in learning more about Alexander Technique, I don't specifically talk about parenting, I talk more about Alexander Technique and how it helps the mind and the body. And I have a free audio for you know, constructive rest for a mind body meditation.
Sarah Mayhan 36:21
Well, I think that's a good place to start. Like when we're talking about listening to yourself, listening to your gut. You know, I think we were lucky, we had this background before we came to parenting, because I think we got to know ourselves really well. Yeah. And I think for a lot of people, like, you know, they have been, you know, caring for others, doing their job, serving others, you know, and I think doing something like constructive rest, like any of those guided practices, like it can seem like just something extra to do. But it is a way in to that knowing. Not that you'll be calm all the time. But I think that you're going to know what's going on for you, a little bit clearer, if you're able to start this process where you're paying attention to your body and your breath, and the sensations that are moving through you.
Morgan Rysdon 37:18
Yeah, which I think society again, doesn't always give us the time to do a lot of that. It's always, we're in this constant sort of rush. So even if you can only do constructive rest for two or three minutes, it's better than zero. Right? So again, giving yourself permission that things don't have to be perfect to be good. I think we talked about that before, too, before we hopped on this call that sometimes you just just start doing things to do them and then suddenly become a practice and they'll get better. You know, and by the time your children are a little older, maybe it'll be a little easier for you. Because you'll have gotten used to, you know, taking care of yourself in a way that feels really helpful and that you see the benefits of because again, if you're not taking care of yourself, how can you take care of and raise human beings? You know, little good human beings into this world, it's hard. It's really hard. We’ve got to take care of ourselves. I think first and foremost, honestly, I don't know - do books say tha? Do parenting books talk about that, taking care of oneself, not just like a spa day, but like, regular everyday taking care of yourself?
Sarah Mayhan 38:22
Do people say that? I think it's coming out more and more in conversations, especially about mental health. I think also like, well, you're raising girls. So I feel like you have that added layer of - no pressure, but you're modeling for them how to mother, you know? And do you want them, in motherhood, to completely put themselves aside, you know, to suppress their emotions, to lose themselves? No, you want to show them that they can be a mother and be a human? Yeah, that's yeah, no pressure. No pressure..
Morgan Rysdon 39:03
No pressure. I think it's… But it's - and I tell my kids, like if they're like, “Oh, but I don't want you to go to the gym,” I say, “Well, this is so I can have a healthy heart and be strong and live a long time to spend a lot of time with you when you're older.” You know, there's, again, the cause and effect of the reasons why we do things, figuring it out every single day, and hopefully getting a little bit better at it.
Sarah Mayhan 39:23
But yeah, I mean, it's tough. It's tough in our country, as we've discussed, because like it's, you know, we need a little slack sometimes to be able to take that time, a little slack for it, you know, whether it's partner family, childcare, I'm so much more patient when I have childcare as many variants during the pandemic.
Morgan Rysdon 39:48
Yeah, yeah. No, I think it's, I mean to end, to your point, I don't think that necessarily, I mean, to me, I also think, especially motherhood, I have a very hands-on husband in the sense that he works from home like me, we both work out of the house and he is, you know, he makes every single breakfast and lunch during the school week. Like, that's what he does. And he, you know, I would think I told you before, he's picking up the kids from school now. So he's, I consider him to be very hands-on, he doesn't, you know, he does dishes and laundry and helps out. But there are a lot of these little things like Teacher Appreciation Week and setting up the next, like doctor's appointment and remembering to call about the orthodontist appointment and reschedule and I feel like a lot of those little tiny, tiny tasks that can easily kind of fall away. I don't know, I think it's still in our society kind of lands on the moms still. And maybe that's just by experience and what I see in my circles and in my community, but that takes a lot of time and energy and effort. When you're adding that on to a stressful job potentially, or if you know, if you're a working mother, who's trying to do multiple things, it's a lot of balls in the air, you know, to be almost as though now you can't do anything at 100% Everything in your life gets like 75, like, “I'm doing everything kind of good, but not great at anything right now.”
Sarah Mayhan 41:05
All those little things. I sometimes - I do think we have more of all those little things. And it's just like, it's like, yeah, you can blow up your kid for making a mess because you're gonna have to clean the mess. Like, that's the whole thing. Yeah. Alright. Well, it was lovely talking to you. You've been so generous with your time and I think all we can do is just kind of hope we've opened a window, even if you know you're listening to this and you're having a really crappy day, and that we've opened a window to give you some new thoughts about it, and hopefully feel just a little bit better.
Morgan Rysdon 41:45
Thanks again for having me. I appreciate it.
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